this is real, this is me..

so your reading this now, get ready for some real shit. i'm gonna vent about things that have been on my mind a lot lately. i'm going to talk about a lot of people in this, i will mention some names, but most of this will be completely nameless. but clues will be dropped here &there yaknow. if you are infact reading this & you think you're one of the people i'm talking about, don't ask cause it's not like i'm going to tell you. just know.. from now on things are gonna change, and i'm not gonna be the same girl that i was before.

so first of all, biggest thing. daddy, why don't you want me. i've always wanted you in my life, but you can't even have a conversation with me. i mean, whatever i fucked up ONCE, one fucking time i did the wrong thing. i guess disowning me as a daughter works when your mad. but i was 11, i mean comeon' kids make fucking mistakes. but even before that, i always wanted to be apart of your life in someway. YOU pushed me away, YOU wouldn't talk to me, YOU told me you'd come and pick me up in 2 weeks, YOU never came, I waited for an hour, I cried the rest of the day, I KNEW you lied to me. which then made me realize all of the other lies that you had told me before. oh, and thank you for not saying shit when your fucking whore wife was telling you she never wanted me to come back to your house 'cause i was a fucking slut. reallly, i fucking appreciated that one. really daddy. i've been trying to make you proud of me since i first met you when i was 8. you were at my swim meet & i told you i would win my next race for you and you didn't even fucking watch me. i still try and make you fucking proud, i guess that's not happening though. getting into sjv? not even a congratulations call. OH! and when my grandma saw you in shoprite, and she told you that i missed you, and you said you missed me too.. yeah, you said you'd call then too. but guess what.. THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN EITHER. so this one was for you daddy, i love you?

on to the next one? more fish in the sea? hahaaha, no exboyfriend.. this one is for you. this one's for the nights i spent laying awake, crying my fucking eyes out cause i couldn't deal with the break up. the guys i used to try and get over you with (i'm sorry.. even though you's all used me anyway) i fucking hate you for building me up, to break my heart. all that time spent together, clearly meant nothing. i swore that you were like m bestfriend too. i told you everything, and i gave you all my trust. trying to comfort me the night we broke up? trying to say that it was you, not me? yeah, it was all b u l l s h i t . never will i ever trust another guy like i trusted you. you kinda fucked yourself over though, baby, 'cause girls talk to other girls before they start dating a guy. and boy do i have a lot of shit to tell the next girl that asks about you. so this was for you babe, i truly can't say i love you anymore..

boys boys boys? still, this next one is about a boy. hmm, shocker? so this gay shit started in what? april.. yes april. oh, april. what a beautiful month. winters starting to end, it's spring. yes. and weather is nice, ya know to wear jeans and a tanktop, does this outfit sound familiar to you? really should. so we started talking because of myspace, duh. and the next day were walking around, holding hands, and walking my dog. some real notebook shit right here. didn't even kiss. now you think i'm lying, don't you? well i'm not, i went home and he went to his cousins. we were texting like crazy, and i was loving every single second of it. the next weekend we wound up hanging out, now this is when everything gets really cute. you brought me to the mall with your two cousins 'cause they could drive, and at the time, you couldn't drive. we didn't stay there long, because you wanted to go to the batting cages. yes, i agreed 'cause you were too cute to say no too. so we get there, and everything's going good, fuurrealz. i was sitting on the bench & you took my hand and we went outside 'cause it was hot as bawlz in the place thing. so we were holding each other outside-i know, not a good way to cool off? whatever it was fucking cute as shittt-so yeah, were just watching the cars on the parkway. and my head was on your chest. favorite part of this story-you lifted my chin up so that you could kiss me. *perfect kiss by the way.. i lied in my passed two blogs. i forgot about this one. you held my waist and my hands rested on your chest. when you kissed me you pulled me close to you, and omg. it was perfect. at this point in my life the one mentioned before you wasn't even a thought in my head. at this moment, you were all i wanted. i was determined to make you mine, and all mine. did this ever happen? no. because i later learned that you didn't care about relationships, you cared about weed, getting drunk, and fucking girls. well, i'm sorry baby. i wouldn't fuck you. LIES, because remember that day in your car.. backseat ;) -nothing happened. even thought we both knew it should have, could have, and would have. if time had allowed for it to happen. i'm kind of glad though, yaknow. i was only using you for reasons stated above. you're still my booty call, and the person i call if i neeed to find a party. we talk, but now all you want to talk about is fucking. we used to talk about everything, but now it's only that one thing that we talk about. i want the old you back, cause you were such a sweet kid
oxycotton, xanxan bars, percasets? this one's short don't worry you're pretty little head. and it's actually not a story. just a bit of advice. never. smoke. weed. with. a. kid. you. met. 20. minutes. earlier... paranoia to the 8th power.

wasted all our hopes on him, like the paper hearts on a homemade valentine.. haha, should be a great song to start this one with. well here ya go, another boy for you. trust me, there's some girls coming up, but not many. so about this one boy, who fits these lyrics perfectly. my first hookup. haaa, this one's way to obvious. whatever. so yeah, we hooked up. a lot, in the same night. we were "talking" before this, and after. for about 3 weeks. hmm, and then what happened? you found a new girl, and TOLD me about her.. thanks. i wanted us to be.. more then friends, you made it seem like that was going to happen. obviously never did.. ehhhh, you're beat.

could you be the one i want? my bestfriend.. hm, here we go. i've got many 'best friends' but this is to a certain one. she's been different lately, kind of up my ass kind of different. and NO, i don't think she's a lesbian. if you were wondering. but, somedays i was be like that's my bestfriend. and other's i just wanna be like, wadddup stranger. you're clearly my best friend but, i never hangout with you. the only thing we have in common, is time. you'll understand if you read this. and if you don't then, i'm talking to myself. the end of our friendship may be soon best friend, watch yourself.

i love being hated, it's great it's makes me know that i made it. hm, haters love me. and i love haters. but there's that one hater that i have a few lines for. aand you know EXACTLY who you are. you are a fucking whore, i have never liked you and i never will. you made me look like a fucking pussy because i didn't hit you. no honey, i didn't hit you because you told EVERYONE that you'd hit me first. cause you knew we were getting suspended either way. so i stuck to my word, showing up. i found you hunnn. you, were not ready. i told you to hit me, and you refused. and the best part was that you were bragging about being suspended, got so many rumors started, and you loved all the attention on you. i hated it, i hate people knowing my business. but HEY, talk shit, spit blood, right? adios ugly bitch, rot in hell mother fucker ROT.

i'm completely done now. everything else is too short to even bother. for all you that think i'm a whore. cool, i really don't care. i get it all the time, i know the truth, and that's all that matters. OH and for all you cool people on formspring saying i'm fat, ugly, and a whore. you're all so fucking tough behind a computer, i'd love you to come say it to me :D ok, done.

p.s. i hope you asshole's that don't know me, that are reading this know idgaf if you go running to the person you think this is about ;) go ahdead, that's why it's here.